It has been a while since I have written a blog post on here. I want to be totally open and honest with everyone and start off by saying 2018-2020 have been the hardest two years of my life. I had so many hopes and dreams that I wanted to reach during those years, yet I was not able to reach any of them. Some of those were weekly blog posts, creating something with my hands every week, reading my bible daily, having a baby and buying a house. Not a single one of those goals did I meet. This year, 2021, I am doing something new. I am not making any New Year’s resolutions. Instead I am going to try my best this year to be kind to myself, to be the best I can be. There has been so much pain and darkness around me that I have let in which has cause much anxiety, depression, fear and sadness. I am trying my hardest to start off this year accepting that I am allowed to have those feelings, but that I am also allowed to have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and faithfulness. (Galatians 5:22)
I have so much I want to write about because I have almost two years that I have not had it in me to post on here. For now, I’ll insert some picture from my instagram. You know, they say a picture is worth a thousand words!
The one thing that is constantly looming over me is infertility. Trent and I are on our 3rd year of trying to conceive. It seems as though everyone around me is getting pregnant and having children left and right and the feeling of “why her and not me” comes in my head often. I was feeling discouraged one day and went to Pinterest and searched “infertility quotes.” The first thing that popped up was this image:
“Yes!” I thought to my self! “Finally someone able to fully put into words how I feel.” Naturally, I needed more so I clicked continue reading. Man, was I not expecting to read what I did; scripture that spoke right to my soul. If you are dealing with infertility I strongly suggest reading this article. I don’t want to spoil it, but I will say that God used this to speak to me and remind me I am barren but not with out cause. He has a plan and has not forgotten me.
Many have asked me recently how Trent and I are doing in this journey and the best way I can explain it is currently I experience a range of four emotions surrounding it: numbness, sadness and anger and acceptance. you may be reading that thinking those are extremely contradictory. You’re not wrong. My sister is the owner of Creative Wellness she is an art therapist and listened mental health counselor. One of the things she has taught me is called IFS (Internal Family Systems) through this I have learned that there are different parts of me that make up my self. Each of those emotions are parts of me that surround the topic of infertility in my life. Some days sadness takes over and I just sob all day, some days I feel nothing all regarding it, some days acceptance steps in and helps think “ok what now?” And then there’s anger, that one I don’t like. I am working hard to accept and show love to that part of me. Earlier in my post I mentioned that this year I am going to try my hardest to be kind to myself and be the best I can be. That means that I need to accept those feelings and love them because they are all there to protect me, guide me, and help me through life.
So to answer your questions, due to Covid-19 my treatment plan was put on hold. I lost my job last spring and was not able to afford the testing I needed. I got on a mass health insurance plan that dropped me right in the middle of the pandemic for no fault of my own. Thankfully, I was able to get back on Trent’s health insurance plan Jan. 1st 2021. That means that treatment is on pause still. We will keep trying ourselves but we will not be able to go through IVF at this time because insurance will not cover it. As you may have remembered, the likelihood of IVF working for us was very low because of my depleted egg count. Trent and I have prayed independently and together and eventually spoke about adoption and both have decided we are absolutely going to do what we can to adopt in the future. We’re not in a rush, because just like IVF, adoption costs thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. This will be a long process, we will be taking it one step at a time with God guiding us. I do want to stress that deciding we will try to adopt does not take the pain of not being able to have a child on our own away. The best way I can describe it is that we’re grieving for that child.
Though Infertility is the big one in my life right now, there is some good that has happened that I have not yet written about! Yoga, Candles, and more exciting things I can’t wait to share. I will be posting them in separate posts so keep your eyes out for those this week! Three posts in one week- yeah, let’s see if I hold to that! lol
Check out this song (Reckless Love by Cory Asbury). It has helped me remember that I don’t earn nor deserve God’s love yet He fills me with His overwhelming, never ending, reckless love. “There’s no shadow you won’t light up, Mountain you won’t climb up, Coming after me. There’s no wall you won’t kick down, No lie you won’t tear down, Coming after me”
I pray that all is well with you, and if you wish to chat, please reach out to me. If you do not have my phone number you can comment, or reach out to me on Instagram or Facebook. I know many people struggled this past year. I also know there was a lot of good that came from this past year too. I would love to celebrate with you! I am here to listen, chat, laugh, cry, walk, eat and drink (chai) with!
XOXO,
Bella
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